Sexual desire both involving our biology and our psychology. Sex can be planned or spontaneous, but whatever manifest it’s different for everyone. Sex to some is what makes a relationship successful. Its how they feel love and connection. The ultimate rejection is the feeling of not being desired by there partner. To some sex is a tool to get what they want. If my partner is good and does what I want I will give him sex. For most men it is a desire for control, touch, to reach the ultimate orgasm. For women its’s an emotion, intimacy, and connection. Sex cannot be defined, but yet it is something that is often defined an explained by many. Sex is in novels, the erotica of a story of how a mans membrane is hard and piercing through his pants as a women caresses oh so gently his inner thigh all while touching herself and yearning for him to be inside her. Or the way sexuality is expressed all over the media through clothing, makeup, how we should behave and how we should look. As I lay in bed horny and longing for my husband to touch me, grab me, get on top and insert himself inside me but he’s asleep, I begin thinking of love and sex. Can I still feel love without having sex? How many nights can I go to sleep without feeling touched or desired before I begin to question his love and our marriage? Is there something wrong with me?

Lets get personal. I am a product of a divorced family. I had several step dads and often had no idea what love was supposed to look like. As I got older and started dating I had the nice guys, but life was too boring and stagnant with them. I’ve had the bad guys which comes with a life of trauma and scandal. I’ve been cheated on, treated like crap, manipulated and lost. You don’t think it’s going to happen to you until it does. My first real relationship was with my daughters father, we were young and had known each other our whole lives. He was comfortable and secure. We grew up together, but we grew apart. First love, young love, dumb love, it often doesn’t last. Next I found love with a broken man who I built back up. Got him through his hard time and created a family for him. This is the man who breaks you because you do everything for them, but once they become successful they no longer need you. Well they do need you, but they are cocky and desired by many and push the boundaries of can I be married and have others. This is the first cheater who opens the toxicity for others. This is the man who creates the broken women who ends up in a relationship that teachers her and causes the most chaos and hurt. That brings me to the third one. My sons dad. The charismatic, narcissistic man who can spot a broken women a mile away, tell her everything she wants to hear and reels her in. Once he has her he learns to manipulate to the heart of her and break down anything and everything about her until she feels worthless and unwanted by anyone. That without them you can do nothing. Don’t feel bad if you have had this partner because it can happen to anyone and only the lucky never experience this. It takes a strong person to realizer they are entangled in this type of relationship and to pull themselves out, get healing, love themselves again and know there worth. I have been through this and came out the other side stronger with an understanding of who I am, what I will tolerate and what I deserve. This bring me to my forth and final love. My husband. The only man I ever married, the only man deserving of it. This man has all the qualities you could want in a husband. At times I fear he may leave me because I’m not deserving of him, his kind heart, the way he loves me, and all he does for me, but I have a problem I get fixated on the sex part. This brings me back to our topic of love and sex. Can we be satisfied with getting more of one and less of the other. Having sex everyday, I mean hot passionate porn star sex but no real connection, or having a deep loving connection but feeling rejected often with sex. Not feeling desired or sexy.

When my husband and I first started dating sex was something that happened regularly, daily, twice a day and sometimes more. As years pass it dwindles to a few times a week and is now stagnant to often once a week. I listen to my friends talk about not wanting to have sex or that there husband have pissed them off so they wont be giving them any. Why? Why do we do this? Why is sex a tool? I’m sitting here horny as shit dying for my husband to touch me because he is too tired, or work is getting to him, or our children ruined the mood, or my complaining about not getting sex has turned him off, whatever the reason I’m not getting any while others are using it as a tool. The importance of sex in a relationship cannot be expressed enough. Often understated, but it is what I consider the most importnat part of a successful relationship. Men often choose a partner based on there sexual feelings toward them, the attraction and end up falling in love, while women choose a partner based on attraction yes but more the prospect of love, security and desire then end up longing for sex and enjoying it. This is why most men can be angry at there partners but still have sex, while women often will hold out on sex until feeling emotionally satisfied. Men tend to focus on sex and women focus on love. Why is it one or the other? How can we have both? The answer is you can you just have to work at it. True partners will listen to what the other needs. Learn there love languages, try new things, give in even when they are upset and do what it takes to make a successful relationship. I heard a sang growing up that if a guy likes you he will show you and do what he can to get you. If he’s not calling or trying he is not interested. The same is for women. If someone is not trying they are not interested. This can be the same for marriages, if your spouse is not trying it is safe to say they are not interested. This is the message that gets embedded. Why do I try if they don’t care. Or why do I keep trying if it does nothing. My spouse is not sleeping with me so he has to be cheating on me right? Although that often is rang to be true that is not always the case, but is the conclusion we often jump to because it’s better then what may actually be happening and that is we are the problem. Back to my marriage. I am the problem. I have a good husband, but my trauma makes me question stuff. Sure we may not be having as much sex as I want, but there are a number of factors at play such as stress and children. My trauma brain automatically assumes it’s because he is cheating or that he is not attracted to me anymore. I complain and complain which pushes him farther away because what person wants to have sex with someone who is bitching at them all the time. But I’m feeling rejected and what kid of partner makes there spouse feel rejected? The kind that has no idea that you are feeling this way. Marriages are not one but are two way streaks. This goes back to the sang how can I help if I have no idea what is wrong.

Communication is the key to a successful relationship. You need to communicate with you partner and I mean communicate. You speak they listen and then they speak you listen. And really listen. Once you listen you can gain an understanding of what they need. Put down the anger and resentment and work on what they need. Maybe you put in more work at first, but then eventually you see change. Relationships are never 50/50 some days you will do 30 and your partner 70 and some days your partner will do 20 and you will do 80. Makes a lot of sense right? Something is broken so go fix it. Sometimes I have to do more and work harder, but in the end there should be a reward. Through this eventually everything becomes easier. The little stuff falls aside and the big stuff begins to feel little. The relationship will always require work, but in the end if it’s what you want the work isn worth it. Sex and love become one and a healthy part of a successful relationship. Don’t use sex as a tool and don’t find love through sex. With healthy relationships where two people are trying and wanting it to work they two should go hand in hand. On that same note be strong enough to realize when it’s not working and do what is needed to create yourself a safe, intimate, sexual, loving, and fulfilling relationship. We are all deserving of this.

Thank you for reading. I would love your thoughts on relationships and how you work through love and sex.

-MJ